I know I’ve been a bit quiet lately, other than talking about the 21-Day Fix and how it’s going for me. It’s not completely intentional… life is just happening, and moving faster than I can keep up with it. I’m currently in the life stage that says “Ah, I see now… so God, this is why I’m not pregnant yet?”
Doesn’t mean I like it. But I see it. It’s been hard and weird lately in many ways. As spring approaches, I am looking forward to leaving winter behind. It seems like winter brought one thing after another towards our family, and there is more than I care to share here today.
On to the real subject at hand.
March is an emotional month for me in many ways, and now comes with an anniversary that I can’t celebrate.
- I reflect on being pregnant with Zoey, and in the hospital on bedrest. I was admitted in winter, and didn’t walk out until Spring.
- I remember the week of Zoey’s birth, and how I probably cried more that week than I had the entire 5 weeks on bedrest. The preterm labor, the constant fear on the nurses faces (terrible poker faces, I tell you), the harsh reality that Zoey needed to be born early, knowing her lungs were under-developed. I remember.
- Zoey was born on March 24, 5 weeks early, after my 5 weeks on bedrest. It was one of the happiest, and also scariest days of my life. It was the day I became a mother to a baby outside of my womb. It was also the day I only saw her for 5 minutes before she was whisked away to NICU, and I didn’t know I wouldn’t get to see her or hold her until a couple of days later.
- I reflect on Zoey’s birthdays each year, and how I am always emotional about the fact that she is here and calls me “mom”.
- When Zoey turned 2, we felt comfortable trying for another baby, knowing the odds were stacked against us due to my PCOS. Then Zoey turned 3… no pregnancy. Then she turned 4… no pregnancy. Then she turned 5… and now going on 6. No pregnancy.
This March marks exactly 4 years of trying for a second baby. It’s been “nearly 4 years” for months now, and I kept thinking “Surely not… surely we won’t hit the 4-year mark. That’s just ridiculous.”
And yet, here we are.
Ridiculous, but very real.