I’ve had a difficult time writing this post because I really don’t know what to say. I know how I feel and what I think, but putting this subject into words has been increasingly difficult. I’ve tried many times to craft the right phrases but always hit delete. Sometimes being so vulnerable is easy, and at other times, it’s sucking the breath right out of my lungs.
I realized recently just how lonely this phase of life is. I don’t think I know a single person in my every day life who is a mother to an elementary-aged child and still struggles with the effects of infertility.
There, I said it.
Nine years ago, when I was first diagnosed with PCOS and introduced to the world of infertility, I had it in my mind that once I became a mom, infertility wouldn’t be a burden anymore. I thought that surely this was only a phase… that trying to cross the threshold into motherhood was the worst of it, and that it was all uphill from there. But then I had Zoey, a vocal little girl who always speaks her mind, and from the very age of two started asking me “mommy, why do all my friends have brothers and sisters and I don’t?” Two years old. I started to feel a sense of urgency and we started trying to grow our family. Five years later, as Zoey is on the cusp of turning seven, and while I’m finally in the best phase of peace that I have ever been in, I find that I often times feel lonely.