When I found out I was going to miscarry, I was 7.5 weeks pregnant and had already seen the heartbeat twice. The baby was looking strong, and even after experiencing a subchorionic hemorrhage that led to an ER visit, everything looked how it should. When it went from “how it should” to “how it shouldn’t” during my post-ER follow-up, I was devastated. While the baby did lose its heartbeat at 7.5 weeks, my body waited until 10.5 weeks to miscarry, and it was the most agonizing 3-week wait of my entire life.
I don’t know why this bothers me so much, but I never thought I’d be in the position to have to think this through. I’ve always been very public with my story, so talking to people has become very easy. But I had no idea how to properly respond to that question when someone who didn’t know my story asked it.
How many children do you have?
…on this side of heaven.
And one we’re missing deeply.
When I was told at the age of 23 that I was in pre-menopause, I felt like my world crashed down around me. My husband and I had only been married a year plus a few months when I first started to experience symptoms of polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and infertility. We were told that the longer we’d wait to try to conceive, the less likely it would happen because my labs were very abnormal for a 23-year-old. Pre-menopausal. At 23 years old.
I’ve had a lot of conversations with my daughter Zoey about infertility and loss. These conversations span years, but the last seven months have been the most difficult. Many conversations are filled with tears. Whether at bedtime before prayers, or on the couch because something on TV triggered her, or even at church… we’ve talked a lot. Today on Still Standing, I’m sharing five things that I tell her as I walk her through grief.
In case you didn’t see my announcement on Facebook and Instagram, I’m now writing monthly over on Still Standing Magazine about infertility and miscarriage. Stepping out to write for Still Standing was an act of bravery for me. I’ve been a long-time reader of Still Standing, and when they put out a need for some additional writers, I swallowed my fear and applied.
Today, my first post is live. I would love if you would head on over there, read it, and maybe leave a comment if you feel led to do so.
Image used with permission by Samantha C. Photography