The infertility community is full of incredible and supportive women with so many different stories. Whether trying for a first, second, third, etc. child, there is someone who everyone can relate to. However, it gets tricky when you’re in a position like me…
Throughout the last decade of my journey with PCOS and infertility, I’ve had more dreams than I can count that are related to pregnancy and childbirth. While going through fertility treatments, I can remember dreaming about getting two pink lines on a pregnancy test. I remember dreaming about those sweet little kicks and what they would feel like. Each pregnancy dream gave me so much hope and I felt like each one was a sign… a gift… a glimpse of what was to come. I would wake up from those dreams feeling so happy.
Read more: Pregnancy Dreams Are My Worst Nightmare
After spending a lot of time in various infertility support groups over the last decade of my adulthood, I’ve learned just how deep the roots of social media anxiety goes when it comes to the holidays and pregnancy announcements. Everyone who struggles knows they are coming. It’s like a ticking time bomb we’re all just waiting to go off.
The quintessential pregnancy announcement: piggybacking on a holiday as a way to announce a pregnancy.
September is PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) Awareness Month. I heard someone say recently that they feel like there is an “awareness” day, week, or month for everything these days and it feels like we’re in this vortex of over-saturation of “awareness”. This made me cringe.
I mean, I get it. But here’s the thing: there is still a major deficit of awareness of so many things. If we keep quiet and don’t speak up, we can’t expect people to understand what we’re going through. It leaves us feeling isolated, alone, and left behind while other ailments receive attention from the medical community.
Read more> PCOS Awareness Month: Why It’s Important
Last summer, after 5.5 years of waiting, we caught a glimmer of hope that the blue room was going to become a nursery. I couldn’t believe it! Finally, after all these years of waiting and my daughter begging for a sibling, I was pregnant. All of those Pinterest nursery ideas I had saved on “what to do with a bedroom with two closets” were finally going to be put to use. It was finally going to happen!
But then, it didn’t…
Read More > The Room That Was Supposed To Be A Nursery
I knew that the anniversary of becoming pregnant and miscarrying would be hard, but it’s almost like I forgot it was coming.
Suddenly, this deep ache within the pit of my soul has resurfaced. I’m feeling this agony that I haven’t felt in months, and I’m angry for it. I’m bitter. Summer is no longer my friend.
Read More > Déjà Vu: One Year After Miscarriage
When I found out I was going to miscarry, I was 7.5 weeks pregnant and had already seen the heartbeat twice. The baby was looking strong, and even after experiencing a subchorionic hemorrhage that led to an ER visit, everything looked how it should. When it went from “how it should” to “how it shouldn’t” during my post-ER follow-up, I was devastated. While the baby did lose its heartbeat at 7.5 weeks, my body waited until 10.5 weeks to miscarry, and it was the most agonizing 3-week wait of my entire life.
Read More > My Miscarriage Wasn’t Just A Heavy Period
I don’t know why this bothers me so much, but I never thought I’d be in the position to have to think this through. I’ve always been very public with my story, so talking to people has become very easy. But I had no idea how to properly respond to that question when someone who didn’t know my story asked it.
How many children do you have?
…on this side of heaven.
And one we’re missing deeply.
When I was told at the age of 23 that I was in pre-menopause, I felt like my world crashed down around me. My husband and I had only been married a year plus a few months when I first started to experience symptoms of polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and infertility. We were told that the longer we’d wait to try to conceive, the less likely it would happen because my labs were very abnormal for a 23-year-old. Pre-menopausal. At 23 years old.
I’ve had a lot of conversations with my daughter Zoey about infertility and loss. These conversations span years, but the last seven months have been the most difficult. Many conversations are filled with tears. Whether at bedtime before prayers, or on the couch because something on TV triggered her, or even at church… we’ve talked a lot. Today on Still Standing, I’m sharing five things that I tell her as I walk her through grief.