living life abundantly in spite of PCOS
The infertility community is full of incredible and supportive women with so many different stories. Whether trying for a first, second, third, etc. child, there is someone who everyone can relate to. However, it gets tricky when you’re in a position like me…
Last summer, after 5.5 years of waiting, we caught a glimmer of hope that the blue room was going to become a nursery. I couldn’t believe it! Finally, after all these years of waiting and my daughter begging for a sibling, I was pregnant. All of those Pinterest nursery ideas I had saved on “what to do with a bedroom with two closets” were finally going to be put to use. It was finally going to happen!
But then, it didn’t…
Photo by Xavier Sotomayor on Unsplash
“Never give up!”
“Don’t stop the fight!”
“If you’re done trying, are you going to adopt?”
“When are you starting treatment again?”
How about never…
What happens when you’re just tired? Tired of fighting. Tired of waiting. Tired of hoping. Tired of disappointment. What happens when you’ve reached the max number of years you’re willing to hold on to the wait for babies?
I knew that the anniversary of becoming pregnant and miscarrying would be hard, but it’s almost like I forgot it was coming.
Suddenly, this deep ache within the pit of my soul has resurfaced. I’m feeling this agony that I haven’t felt in months, and I’m angry for it. I’m bitter. Summer is no longer my friend.
Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash
We were in church when Zoey came up to me, glassy-eyed and lip quivering. Glenn leaned over to me and said: “she held the baby and got emotional…”
Zoey turned to me and buried her face into my chest during the remainder of worship, and she cried. And cried. And cried some more.
Me?
I was angry. I’m talking mama bear angry.
I was angry with God.
I stood there holding her, stroking her hair, and I prayed. But I didn’t pray to God, I prayed AT him. You know what I mean? There’s a distinct difference. It went down a little like this:
It’s been exactly one year since my last pregnancy began. May marks the same exact cycle that resulted in a shocking miracle pregnancy that I never expected after five years of waiting, and it ultimately ended in miscarriage. Now here we are, in year six of waiting, exactly one year later, and I felt compelled to give a quick update on what’s happening, what the last year has looked like in terms of fertility, and my hopes for the future.
Photo by Artem Bali on Unsplash
It’s no surprise that my state of fertility after the miscarriage went right back to its old ways. I had very sporadic cycles with a lot of intermittent bleeding (in fact, I had 11 “cycles” in 9 months) but finally regained control once I started using essential oils for my cycles. Sometimes my cycles are textbook perfect and sometimes they’re very similar to the cycle I last got pregnant on, but either way, I’m functioning like a woman should. Sure, ovulation feels like a grenade went off in my abdomen, and it follows with 2 lbs of excess fluid and bruising, but hey, I’m ovulating. Beggars can’t be choosers, right?
I don’t know why this bothers me so much, but I never thought I’d be in the position to have to think this through. I’ve always been very public with my story, so talking to people has become very easy. But I had no idea how to properly respond to that question when someone who didn’t know my story asked it.
How many children do you have?
One…
…on this side of heaven.
And one we’re missing deeply.
As we’re wrapping up National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW), I wanted to share a collaborative post that Caroline put together on her blog In Due Time. I have a little appearance on there, along with so many incredible women who are bravely sharing their stories with you. In Caroline’s exact words:
“The heart behind this post is to show the many aspects of infertility: how long women wait, the different diagnosis they might receive, the many paths they might take, etc. I hope this post sheds some light on how every story looks so different from the next, but they all matter!”
Read our stories here: 1 in 8 go through infertility. These are our stories.
When I was told at the age of 23 that I was in pre-menopause, I felt like my world crashed down around me. My husband and I had only been married a year plus a few months when I first started to experience symptoms of polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and infertility. We were told that the longer we’d wait to try to conceive, the less likely it would happen because my labs were very abnormal for a 23-year-old. Pre-menopausal. At 23 years old.
Photo by Seth Macey on Unsplash
Today, I’m honored to share an interview I had with Lisa over at Amateur Nester. Lisa has collected some beautiful and heart-wrenching stories from the infertility community and has started to share them on her blog. Reading these interviews breaks my heart, but it is also a beautiful reminder that none of us are alone in our journeys. There are other couples who get it and women who are walking in our same shoes.
Please check out my interview with Lisa here: My Infertility Story on Amateur Nester
Be sure to follow along and read the other interviews she has collected. If you have ever felt alone in your infertility journey, these stories will help you.
