On November 4, we started our third miscarriage. It was our second one in 4 months. We unexpectedly got pregnant again and very quickly lost it again.
Just like in June, most people had no idea what was going on. I went to Girl Scouts with Zoey. I had meetings for work. I carried on feeling completely numb but went ahead and functioned anyway. I felt like I didn’t have a choice but to keep going or I’d lose my mind. This felt like some sort of cruel joke.
All of this started on November 2, the day before we were supposed to have our chili lunch fundraiser. Yes, this happened the day after our third-party counseling for embryo adoption. Insert eye roll. On that Saturday morning, when I realized my period was a couple of days late, I took a test and it was blatantly positive. It wasn’t a squinter or one of those “do I see a line or not?” type of situations…
So we canceled the chili lunch that was scheduled for the next day because we were pregnant, why would we host an embryo adoption fundraiser if we’re PREGNANT, right? Ethically, that would be wrong. So we canceled it without telling many people why and determined that if this would be a successful pregnancy, we would hopefully still get to keep the embryos we’re adopting for the future, but we’d donate all of the money we had raised to another family in waiting. We wouldn’t just hold our fundraised money for years, that would be weird and we didn’t want anyone to accuse us of using it for other purposes so instead we’d just donate it… pay it forward… bless someone else.
That Sunday, the second pregnancy test was so light, it was clear that my levels were dropping. It wasn’t just a slight difference, it was drastic.
The fertility clinic told me it could just be a faulty test and asked me to wait until Monday so I could get some labs drawn before we make any decisions, but I knew what was happening. These tests were from the same box. I had also woken up to find my very strong symptoms from the day before were gone. Plus, I had just been through this a few months prior in June. It’s not like this whole situation was new to me.
Later that same day I took a digital test because I knew if it was negative, that meant my hCG levels were at least under 50:
That Monday, I got my blood work done and continued to take tests. I literally just watched as the positives got lighter and the life within me slipped away:
The actual miscarriage started to carry out that same evening and it came with a vengeance the next day. I passed so many clots and tissue, it was just awful. Definitely worse than the last one. I don’t care how early a miscarriage is, it’s a traumatic experience. It’s not just a heavy period. Stuff comes out you’re just not meant to see.
I messaged the fertility clinic and asked them to put me on birth control for the upcoming frozen embryo transfer IMMEDIATELY. Not just the month before transfer… now. Thankfully, they listened and called it in.
I’m so sick of this happening to us. We do not need biological children to grow our family and we’ve been 100% FINE with that, so now I want to stop it from happening all together because clearly, it’s not working. I already knew Zoey was a miracle, but guys… she’s even more of a miracle than I realized.
And now because of this complete waste of time, we’re out a fundraiser we really needed. We’re just choosing to believe the rest of the money will work itself out. I don’t know that I can reschedule the chili lunch like I had hoped… the holidays are coming up and our weekends (and everyone else’s) are filling up, too.
Let me also add that I had just had a dream that this happened and I shared that in the counseling session. We all laughed about it… little did we know, my dream was true.
I’ve passed all my tests for the embryo adoption with flying colors. I’ve been approved by the fertility clinic to carry the embryos. They didn’t see any reason for the miscarriages and now we’re on number 3, unexplained. Why did I randomly conceive again for it to fail? It’s just stupid.
And yes, I know this embryo adoption could end in another miscarriage. We’ve chosen to believe the embryos will lead to living family members. We’ve determined that we have at least one dark-skinned, curly-haired Italian/African-American beauty joining our family next year. And it will be an honor and privilege to get to raise him/her/them!
So that’s that. We’re up to three losses now. It’s frustrating but I’m moving on. We have two beautiful embryos waiting on us right now and we can’t wait to finally meet them. I’m not trying to overlook this loss because it really is another loss I mourn. But I’m just so numb to it all that I don’t know what else to do but look to the future and move forward.
And put my Christmas tree up early because I’m grown, I can do whatever I want. Don’t @ me.