The act of restoring; renewal, revival, or reestablishment
Restitution of something taken away or lost
Something that is restored, as by renovating
Read the whole restoration series here –> My Word for 2018: Restoration
This summer was hard. I found myself unable to write for my Restoration series throughout June, July, and mostly into August. I was unable to because I went through a season of not feeling restored. After my May post where I felt so free, so healed, and so… happy… it’s like I went into the complete opposite direction. The anniversary of my miscarriage came and went, and there were days that I felt like life was being squeezed right out of me. I became bitter and angry all over again, and my pursuit of restoration felt like a failure. I would be lying if I didn’t share this part of my restoration journey. It’s not always going to be perfect. There isn’t always a rainbow at the end of a storm. Sometimes it’s just a flood. Sometimes, I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water because I’m so anxious about everything.
I shared my experience with miscarriage deja vu on Still Standing and as uncomfortable as it was to release, it also felt liberating. I feel the weight of this expectation to be okay, even when I’m not, and I don’t know what to do about that. There’s also this pressure as a Christian to persevere, to not give up, to just trust, to have joy in the wait, and to praise God for “never failing me”, but I’d be lying completely if I said that I am living all of these things right now. The truth is, I DO feel failed. I feel let down. I feel unworthy. I feel broken. I feel unheard. I don’t have joy in the wait. I will not persevere.
I trust God. I love him. I believe in him. I’ve seen him work in miraculous ways. He provides for my family in awesome ways. And I fully believe in who he is and what he can do. But I do feel let down. I am hurt. And I’m angry about it.
So that’s my summer 2018 restoration update. It’s nowhere near what I had hoped, but it’s the truth. It’s not sugar-coated or fudged.
And I have a feeling it’s going to get worse before it gets better.