The act of restoring; renewal, revival, or reestablishment
Restitution of something taken away or lost
Something that is restored, as by renovating
Read the whole restoration series here –> My Word for 2018: Restoration
My heart has undergone so much healing during the month of May. I shared a little bit about this in my Fertility Update, but I wanted to expound upon that post a little bit more for my May Restoration update.
My Prayers Have Changed
This is probably controversial, but I no longer pray for another baby. Instead, my prayers have shifted from “please, God, do this for me…” to:
- “God, thank you for what you’ve already given me.”
- “Jesus, you are good. What I have is enough.”
- “Lord, I’m happy with the blessings you’ve given.”
- “Heavenly Father, thank you for your peace.”
This place of peace is exactly where I was last year when I ended up conceiving miraculously. And while I don’t expect it to happen again, there is still hope that it could. But instead of asking, begging, and pleading with God for it to happen, I’ve let go.
Zoey, on the other hand, still prays for a baby brother or sister to come, and I obviously don’t stop her. I let her lead those prayers at bedtime, and I squeeze her tight as she pours her heart out to God. I know God hears the desires of her heart, and in his perfect time, he’s answering those prayers one way or another.
I’m No Longer Triggered By Everything “Baby”
I have received such peace that when I pass by the baby aisle at the store, I’m no longer pained. When pregnancy announcements plague Facebook, I just scroll past without a blink. When I find excess baby and toddler items that I could have sworn I either stored away somewhere else or, you know, sold… I don’t feel anything at all. I look fondly and donate to my best friend or set aside for an upcoming consignment sale.
However, Zoey isn’t there yet. And I’m sure this is why I am there… she needs me to be her rock right now. And her rock I’ll be.
The Miscarriage is Still Painful
I’m not going to lie, I’m still really angry that I miscarried. Like, really angry. And I’ll continue to share my experience with miscarriage here and on Still Standing because it’s a big part of who I am now. But in terms of infertility, I’ve found so much peace in our family dynamic, and for that, I’m so grateful. I’m sure the miscarriage recovery is well on the way. I’m only a year out from when the pregnancy started, and August 13 will mark one year since the single most painful moment of my life carried out in my bathroom. It’s completely normal to still feel this way, and I’m going to give myself grace as I continue to figure out how to heal emotionally from what happened.
Otherwise, my heart is full.
Full of gratitude.
Full of joy.
Full of hope.