It’s been exactly one year since my last pregnancy began. May marks the same exact cycle that resulted in a shocking miracle pregnancy that I never expected after five years of waiting, and it ultimately ended in miscarriage. Now here we are, in year six of waiting, exactly one year later, and I felt compelled to give a quick update on what’s happening, what the last year has looked like in terms of fertility, and my hopes for the future.
Fertility After Miscarriage
It’s no surprise that my state of fertility after the miscarriage went right back to its old ways. I had very sporadic cycles with a lot of intermittent bleeding (in fact, I had 11 “cycles” in 9 months) but finally regained control once I started using essential oils for my cycles. Sometimes my cycles are textbook perfect and sometimes they’re very similar to the cycle I last got pregnant on, but either way, I’m functioning like a woman should. Sure, ovulation feels like a grenade went off in my abdomen, and it follows with 2 lbs of excess fluid and bruising, but hey, I’m ovulating. Beggars can’t be choosers, right?
I have to document and share that it’s quite strange how this cycle I’m currently on is playing out. In May 2017 when I got pregnant, I had ovulated around cycle day 19-20. I wasn’t 100% sure which day because I had a lot of pain on both days and wasn’t tracking my cycles very well, but the pregnancy gestation lined up perfectly with the expected late ovulation. In June, we found out we were expecting, everything was confirmed in July, along with a miscarriage confirmation later that month, which eventually led to August when I had to say goodbye to the pregnancy altogether.
This May, I ovulated on cycle day 19… and day 20 brought a lot of pain. Again. If we conceived, we’ll find out in June, and we’d have a first appointment in July. Again. I don’t even want to talk about August. It just feels the same and it’s weird and I’m mildly (okay, a lot-ly) nervous. If we did conceive, of course I’ll be beyond grateful and feel so blessed. But if we didn’t, I’ll be perfectly okay. Probably more than okay. Conceiving on the same cycle exactly one year later would difficult on me emotionally, I know this.
As I sit on my couch feeling the warm spring air flow through my house with the ceiling fan on high, I often have flashbacks of sitting in that same spot reading my Mama Natural Guide to Pregnancy, in complete awe that I was finally able to purchase that book for myself. There’s already so much deja vu surrounding the months of May, June, and July. This same time of year feels so strange, and if we conceive I won’t be able to make it from ultrasound to ultrasound with much sleep at all, but maybe there is a redemption story in the works… an act of restoration. I guess we’ll see, right?
So, What Now?
We’re six years into waiting. Six. And it’s been a long, hard road. But I can feel God resorting my heart in ways I didn’t expect. I live in the now and not in the “what if?”. We plan vacations without expectations for an extra family member in the mix. We plan home renovations without wondering if a nursery will be a part of them. We remain hopeful that God will surprise us, even if it means we’re 40 before it happens… but we’re happy. It’s the best place to be in. I can’t explain it, and I so deeply wish that ALL women going through infertility felt this way, because it certainly surpasses all understanding. I can physically feel prayer working and it’s amazing. I can’t explain it. All I know is that it’s not anything I’m doing… it’s all something God is doing.
As I continue to surrender my worries, fears, and desires for more children to him, I’m shifting my focus off of what I feel like he’s not doing, and instead gaining more peace, more understanding, and more comfort in what he is doing. He is our God almighty and he is good in all things.
I’m grateful and my heart is full.