Yesterday was my due date.
This week, I should be meeting my miracle baby. I should have spent the last couple of weeks preparing for labor, although I’m sure it would have been impatiently. I should have been looking over my hospital bag, re-checking the carseat installation, preparing freezer meals, getting a massage and a chiropractic adjustment, drinking tons of red raspberry leaf tea, and making sure all of my essential oils are in stock.
Instead, I’m contemplating whether I should sell the last of my remaining baby items.
I’m sad that my daughter, who turns eight in just a few more weeks, recognizes that a baby should be born this week and unfortunately won’t be joining us. She knows that her sibling is missing and she is so torn up about it. She continuously tells us that she wishes she could change diapers, help prepare baths, and pick out those tiny clothes. She knew her sibling was supposed to join us for her birthday this year.
And yet, here we are.
All of our cloth diapers are still neatly tucked away, just as they have been the last six years. Our crib and changing table are collecting dust in the basement. Our pack ‘n play is still packed away. I’ve sold or donated almost everything else baby-related that we owned.
The dream of growing from 3 to 4 is fading away.
I’m hurting. I’m missing my baby. I’m longing for the experience of birthing new life into this world. I’m sad that the pregnancy books that I was so excited to finally purchase are wasting away on my shelf, and the reality is that they may never be used.
I know it’ll get a little easier in the future. But for now, I mourn. My first due date after my first miscarriage has come and gone, and my uterus is aching—it’s literally crying out right now the only way it knows how: through a new cycle to remind me that, as usual, I’m not pregnant. I should be having a postpartum bleed right now… but instead, I’m reminded that once again, the cycle that could have worked… didn’t.
Thank you to those who reached out to me yesterday with words of encouragement and love. Thank you for remembering and recognizing.