When I sat down in January and thought about what my blog content for 2017 would look like, this much loss was nowhere near my list. 2017 as a whole has been a weird year of grief for me.
1. My beloved cat Vesta passed away in May. What an awful day that was. Making the decision to give her eternal sleep was the most difficult choice I’ve ever made…
2. I lost my miracle pregnancy after five years of waiting. No words…
3. I’m currently watching my dog Lily struggle with the tumors on her leg, and it feels like it’s only going to get worse from here. She’s a ticking time bomb as I wait for the day where I have to make the decision yet again. I am certain it will be before Christmas…
What’s that saying? Death occurs in threes? I’m not one for superstition, but this pattern seems to be set for 2017.
So this brings us to the real question at hand. How am I doing after my miscarriage?
It’s up and down.
Physically, I am healing really well. I had an ultrasound to confirm that I passed everything naturally, and I am so so SO thankful to God that I was able to do that. I seriously doubted my body’s ability to do this properly, and fully expected to need a D&C. After years of not being able to trust my body, I was finally able to do naturally what I needed to, without intervention, and I am extremely grateful.
Emotionally? It’s like waves in the ocean… it’s inconsistent. I’ll be perfectly fine one moment, coasting and drifting through the days in peace, and then here comes the riptide. A trigger that completely knocks me off my feet. A sudden moment that makes me lose it and drown in my own salt water of tears.
I had no idea how many pregnancy announcements would pop up on Facebook after my miscarriage. I’m used to everyone around me being able to grow their families effortlessly, but wow… it was WAY more during my miscarriage and it was painful.
The worst part?
Zoey has triggers, too.
My innocent little girl has had to learn more about death this year than I ever expected. So many things trigger her emotions… things I didn’t expect. Things that don’t even trigger me.
I absolutely hate it.
But you know what?
I’m going to be okay. We’re going to be okay. It will always sting. I will always wonder who this baby would have been. I will always mourn this loss to our family. But I will not unpack and live in grief forever… I will pick up, and move on. Sometimes I’ll cry. Sometimes I’ll laugh. Either way, I’ll be okay.
You can’t have a rainbow without a storm, right?