Oh boy. Where do I even begin?
My journey with infertility and PCOS began 10 years ago. My daughter Zoey came to us after our 7th round of Clomid, and today she is 7 years old. When she was 2, we started trying to grow our family through a variety of methods you can read the synopsis of here. Five years later, here we are…
I guess I’ll start with the fact that I gave up. My hope of giving Zoey a sibling was fading and I was in peace. In fact, after all these years of waiting, many of which were met with heartache, I have been in peace for quite some time. After our last Follistim cycle failed (read about that journey here), I was so broken. So much money spent… so much time put in… so many miles driven to appointments… countless ultrasounds, blood draws, and tears shed. Disappointment after disappointment occurred until I simply couldn’t take it anymore. Everything came to a screeching halt after our cycle failed in February 2016 and I haven’t pursued treatment since. I’ve been okay though. I have had my moments, but overall, God gave me immense peace that I know could have only come from him.
Over the last 16 months, there have been a lot of ups and downs. I’ve tried natural remedies to get me to ovulate… I’ve tracked body changes. And I’ve also sat back and done nothing. Before I found out I was pregnant, I’d say it had been at least a few months since a vitamin had even passed my lips. The mere thought of it was sickening. I wasn’t drinking Shakeology or taking some kind of miracle worker. No Plexus, ItWorks, or essential oils for fertility. I haven’t even been working out consistently. While I’ve kept track of my PCOS symptoms and periods, I haven’t kept track of much else. Ovulation is usually a guess, and cycles have been very irregular. The only thing I’ve done is drastically cut back the amount of chemicals I use on my body, which you can read about here.
On Wednesday, June 28, after feeling very strange for a week, I decided to test. PCOS makes me feel strange often, but I noticed that I had this pit in my stomach that I was unable to satisfy. The pit of hunger that I only remember experiencing when I was pregnant with Zoey… it’s a very very unique feeling. I was very fatigued, which I just chalked up to being PMS. I also had a blood sugar episode in Walmart the weekend prior that I couldn’t overlook. I nearly fainted in the checkout line. Thank goodness Glenn was there to rescue me with a fruit punch. Something was definitely off. I was feeling completely out of sorts and I knew it had to be a hormone imbalance, but I didn’t know which hormone.
I also recently purchased a dress for something special and when it arrived, it fit, but it was a wee bit snug, so I just wanted to confirm if I needed to send it back for a bigger size (pregnant), or if a round of 21-Day Fix would do the trick (not pregnant).
So on June 28, when I woke up and still wasn’t feeling better (and was feeling quite bloated), I thought “you know what, I think I might have a test somewhere, I’m just going to check….” To be frank, I didn’t think I really had one… and I knew if I did, it was old.
That is when this came up.
When the line showed up within two minutes, I said random things I prefer to not repeat, and made a series of these faces:
So then I thought “hmm… those tests are kind of old and internet cheapies… maybe it’s false?”
I called Glenn into the bathroom to show him, to which he replied “Um… what am I looking at here?” HA! So I explained it to him and told him “A line is a line… it doesn’t matter how light with pregnancy tests. The question is – are these tests even valid because they are old?”
I texted my doctor anyway and we got labs scheduled immediately. While we waited on those results, I hit up Target and purchased their Up and Up brand of tests. I waited three hours to test, and sure enough, this came up:
Clear as day… not a squinter… not a “I think I see something”… or “I wonder if this is an evap line”… it was legit.
My HCG beta? 135
I don’t know what my face looked like, but take your pick.
Pretty sure it was a combination of all of the above in some unattractive form, followed by periods of sobs.
Before this miracle happened, I gave up. I was purging baby items like crazy. I was completely done. I was adjusting to the peace of having an only child and being okay with that. I don’t know why this miracle has happened when so many of you have either waited longer than me, or just as long as me, and many are still waiting on that first baby. If this is you, I am so so sorry. The day I got my positive test, I thought of you. I wept out of shock that this was even happening to me and I thought of so many of you who deserve to have babies in your arms. I am still here for you. The pain of infertility is still an open wound for me and you are not alone. Know that I am praying for your wombs to be healed and opened for receiving new life.
Also, I hope this doesn’t sound cliche when I say to please let this surprise pregnancy be a beacon of hope for you. Believe me – what you might be thinking is what I was thinking the last few months as I purged 90% of my baby stuff. “I won’t get pregnant.” “It isn’t going to happen.” “Maybe I heard God wrong.” “Why do surprises always happen to someone else?”
That was me… constantly for the last five years, that was me.
My first OB appointment is July 11. Please pray for me. When I’m due remains to be a guess until we can confirm by ultrasound, although I have a general idea that I’m probably due in late February or early March (Zoey was born March 24 – ha!). Going by the date of my last period isn’t 100% accurate for me because I don’t think I ovulated until at least day 19 or 20 in my cycle (again, purely a guess based on some strong ovary pains I had around then), but I should be in my 5th week right now.
And yes, I am releasing this pregnancy info much earlier than some would, and they probably think I am crazy. Honestly, your prayers and support are more important than holding onto a secret and walking this journey in the dark. For now, I am pregnant after years of infertility, and it’s a miracle. Tomorrow, I might not be… anything can happen and I fully recognize that. But you know what? Every baby deserves to be celebrated. EVERY BABY. Life begins at conception. This baby is very much alive, was wanted, is wanted, and is a miracle, no matter how long he or she is with me. This blog is a place of LIFE, through the good and the bad. Right now, this news is such a good phase of life. I want it documented. I want to share.
And regardless of the outcome,
TO GOD BE THE GLORY.