“Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. All of you, take up My yoke and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for yourselves. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
~Matthew 11:28-30 HCSB
At church on Sunday, our pastor shared a profound message about laying our burdens down. Everyone has burdens they carry. Some burdens weigh us down more than others. I know for me personally, some of my burdens I have been able to cast aside, set healthy boundaries, and live a better life. They rear their ugly heads periodically, but I am able to say “you have no power of me” (name that movie!) and move forward. Others are harder.
Infertility, however, has been a whole different ballgame. I have been unable to cast it aside, to move forward in peace, to completely accept it. Every time I think “I’m totally fine”, it blows up. I have fought it for many years—before and after having Zoey—and it has dominated many areas of my life. Infertility has become my identity. PCOS has become who I am, even though I constantly speak out against it.
At the end of the sermon, we were asked to write our burdens down and leave them at the alter… to literally leave them at the cross, and to walk away from them. For me, it was a no brainer what I was going to write down.
After leaving my burden at the alter, I returned to my seat and started praying: “Jesus, I surrender. I officially give up my wants and desires. I accept what You have given me, and I am leaving my burdens at Your feet.” I still felt this really heavy weight on my chest. I remember thinking I wasn’t supposed to feel this heavy weight still… I felt like I was being disobedient. I felt ashamed. I totally didn’t feel the way I thought I should after just leaving my burden at the cross. Shouldn’t I feel refreshed and like a weight had been lifted?
It was then that I could feel God saying to me: “I didn’t ask you to give up. I didn’t ask you to not have hope. I am asking you to trust me.”
Leaving my burden at the cross didn’t mean I was supposed to give up hope. It didn’t mean I was supposed to just take what I have been given as “good enough” and move on. That wasn’t laying my burden down.
Laying my burden down was learning to trust. Laying my burden down was taking off the pain and leaving it at His feet. The heartache of infertility doesn’t have to be my burden. It is just one step in the journey, and He can totally overcome it at any point if I would just trust Him. Overcoming it may not mean pregnancy either… it very well may mean adoption or surrogacy.
To trust is all He is asking of me right now. To trust and believe that He is still the God of miracles, even if isn’t time for mine right now.
And you know what?
I’m finally okay with that.