I know I’ve been a bit quiet lately, other than talking about the 21-Day Fix and how it’s going for me. It’s not completely intentional… life is just happening, and moving faster than I can keep up with it. I’m currently in the life stage that says “Ah, I see now… so God, this is why I’m not pregnant yet?”
Doesn’t mean I like it. But I see it. It’s been hard and weird lately in many ways. As spring approaches, I am looking forward to leaving winter behind. It seems like winter brought one thing after another towards our family, and there is more than I care to share here today.
On to the real subject at hand.
March is an emotional month for me in many ways, and now comes with an anniversary that I can’t celebrate.
- I reflect on being pregnant with Zoey, and in the hospital on bedrest. I was admitted in winter, and didn’t walk out until Spring.
- I remember the week of Zoey’s birth, and how I probably cried more that week than I had the entire 5 weeks on bedrest. The preterm labor, the constant fear on the nurses faces (terrible poker faces, I tell you), the harsh reality that Zoey needed to be born early, knowing her lungs were under-developed. I remember.
- Zoey was born on March 24, 5 weeks early, after my 5 weeks on bedrest. It was one of the happiest, and also scariest days of my life. It was the day I became a mother to a baby outside of my womb. It was also the day I only saw her for 5 minutes before she was whisked away to NICU, and I didn’t know I wouldn’t get to see her or hold her until a couple of days later.
- I reflect on Zoey’s birthdays each year, and how I am always emotional about the fact that she is here and calls me “mom”.
- When Zoey turned 2, we felt comfortable trying for another baby, knowing the odds were stacked against us due to my PCOS. Then Zoey turned 3… no pregnancy. Then she turned 4… no pregnancy. Then she turned 5… and now going on 6. No pregnancy.
This March marks exactly 4 years of trying for a second baby. It’s been “nearly 4 years” for months now, and I kept thinking “Surely not… surely we won’t hit the 4-year mark. That’s just ridiculous.”
And yet, here we are.
Ridiculous, but very real.
Obviously, I don’t know what God’s plan is for our family, but I’m not ready to give up. Yes, I mourn where we are with infertility. I mourn that Zoey prays at dinner and bedtime every day “please send us a baby”. I mourn each time she asks me “why?” when I say we have to wait on God’s timing. I mourned last night when I took her to bed, and she gently placed her hand on my cheek and said: “momma, I want you to have a baby.” I nearly wept right there, but I had to keep it together for her sake. We just stared at each other and I had no words except, “good night, I love you.”
I mourn knowing that today is day 27 of my cycle, and while healthy women are preparing for their periods to start soon by this cycle day, I haven’t ovulated at all. This means that I have no idea how long it’ll be before I even get another period. It could be months.
I’m hoping and praying really hard that my lifestyle change and Shakeology will break this cycle of infertility and that I will ovulate on my own. I naively hoped it would happen my first cycle off Follistim, but being that I am on day 27, it doesn’t look like that is going to happen. I haven’t had Follistim in my system for 45 days now. I’ve been eating better, exercising every day, and drinking Shakeology for 36 days. I realize that it can usually take 90 days for your body to accept a big change and to function normally, but obviously this has been hard to accept.
There is one other thing I am going to try in the near future, and I’ll share details as soon as I can. With as much going on in our lives right now, I am forced to take this break… it’s mainly financial and scheduling reasons, but there are others as well. And don’t worry, this has nothing to do with my marriage. We are taking life’s hits together, as a team, and not wavering on that.
4 years of trying to grow our family. I really didn’t think this would happen…