Well, assuming I didn’t wake up this morning to find an unwanted visitor in my midst, today will mark the furthest I have ever made it on a Follistim cycle. Last time I posted an “I’m Still Here” post at 12dpo, that day everything ended for me…
Today is my second hCG beta test… the one that counts. My doctor decided to go ahead and do my first beta on Wednesday (11dpo) to get a starting level, knowing it could pick up the 2nd trigger shot, but it at least gave us a start.
I know, I know, I didn’t really say anything… sorry. I briefly mentioned it in passing on a Facebook comment, but nothing officially announcing this was happening sooner rather than later. Don’t hate me!
Beta #1 came back at 8.
Obviously 8 is super low, but it’s a starting point.
If today’s rises, I’m pregnant. If not, well, we all know how the story goes.
I have not taken a single home pregnancy test at all this entire cycle. Some of you are probably wondering how I managed to have self control! It’s not normal for someone who is going through fertility treatment to not test.
I decided I’d rather wait for the numbers, and I am glad I did, because had I taken a test by now, it would have been negative with the beta being just 8.
Home tests can be so deceiving, and cause way more anxiety than they are worth. The indents, the shadows, the squinters… the negatives. Yes, it is wonderful to see those two pink lines when they do appear… but when they don’t? Total devastation. I decided it’s not worth it. What if I implanted late? It might not detect on a home test, but would on a beta. Why give myself the extra anxiety?
So you’re probably wondering how I’m feeling about the whole thing. Do I feel positive? Do I feel like I’ll receive good news today?
I really don’t know how I feel, and I think it’s probably just me protecting myself. I’m so used to negatives at this point, it’s hard to envision what “you’re pregnant” will sound like again. I’ve been going back and forth on optimism and pessimism.
But I gotta say, this cycle was so perfect… it is hard to not feel like this has to finally be it.
So, here’s the deal. Whether or not I am pregnant, I will not reveal results on the blog or social media until Monday. And I know some of you are probably saying “WHAT?! NOOOO!” But honestly, one of two things will happen:
- I’ll be pregnant and will need to tell immediate family and closest friends first over the weekend. I’ve shared everything very publicly on this blog, and often on Facebook or Instagram in real time, but the actual news of pregnancy I want to share with family and my best friends in a less public way because I feel like it’s just the right thing to do. People close to you don’t want to be blindsided by a public announcement of pregnancy. Once those closest to me know, I’ll share publicly.
- I won’t be pregnant and will need a couple of days of silence to process what has happened. I will need the privacy to cope with the news. I will likely be going through a hormone crash as my estrogen and progesterone will tank to trigger a new cycle, and I generally feel very depressed when that happens because I mean, it’s hormones… it’s what they do.
So that’s where we are. My beta draw is at 8 AM CST… I will have results later this afternoon. I ask that you just pray. Pray for my heart if it’s a negative result… that I can pick myself up and just keep going in positivity. Pray for a healthy pregnancy if it’s a positive result… that I don’t have a repeat episode of vasa previa, even though statistically it’s nearly impossible. I feel very certain it won’t happen, but it can’t hurt to pray it away just in case.
Just pray. That’s all I ask.