I’m going to warn you up front that this blog post isn’t going to be pretty. It is going to be raw truth and emotional, but I have to get this out. If you came here expecting me to say that everything is going to be okay and that I have faith that I’ll be pregnant this year, then this is the wrong post for you today… and I won’t be offended if you skip this one. Infertility is hard and sometimes we just have to be honest.
After my blog post Monday, I was shocked to once again have the rug pulled out from under me before making it to beta day. I thought for sure that supplementing with progesterone would at least get me to 14dpIUI. Surely. Everyone says “you shouldn’t get a period while taking progesterone supplements.” Why do I always have to be the exception?
So many people tell me that they are inspired by my strength, but to be perfectly honest with you, I’m not strong. I’m incredibly weak and vulnerable, and I have plenty of doubts when it comes to whether or not we’ll ever be able to grow our family. I try to be strong… but I’m just being perfectly honest with myself and with you right now. Maybe this is just the infertility talking, but I’m human… I’m an emotional creature and this is how I feel right now. Completely broken.
This doesn’t mean that I doubt who God is, because I know that He can heal all and can perform miracles beyond our comprehension, and I know His timing is perfect. But honestly, right now, I find myself crying out to Him “WHY?! Just tell me WHY!”
My sweet Zoey, who is about to turn 6 years old in March, is not only praying for a baby at bedtime, but now she is praying for it at dinner. Twice a day, she prays “God, please oh please send us a baby.” My heart can’t take it. It just hurts way too much. To see her want this so badly, too… and to know it may never happen, because that is the reality. It may never happen. The mere thought of having to explain to her in further detail why… I just can’t.
I think I have officially reached the lowest point of the last four years. I knew moving on to injectables + IUI would be a whole different ballgame, but this has been the most emotionally challenging part of this whole infertility journey and I don’t know how to handle it. As each cycle fails, it shatters me. I cry out to God for help and can’t understand why the answer is always “not yet, my child. It’s not time.”
I don’t understand why innocent babies are being aborted every day and it’s freaking LEGAL. And please don’t try to explain to me why you support it – this is NOT the place for that and I don’t care what the excuse is, it’s disgusting and I don’t support it. Period. I don’t understand why mothers who abandon their babies, or continuously birth them by different daddies into abusive homes, or deliver drug-dependent babies are chosen for this gift of motherhood. I just don’t understand and I never will. I’m not perfect by any means, but dare I say it, I’m a better mother than those people. I know I am and know I will be, so why is it so easy for them and so hard for me?
I know this is probably the darkest post I’ve ever written… I’m sorry, but I’m not sorry. I never said this blog would always be uplifting and whimsical. THIS IS INFERTILITY. This is what it does to the joyful friend of yours, and if you’re wondering “what happened to her?” THIS. This is what happens. When you invest your time, finances, health, hopes into infertility treatments and they fail… not just fail, but fail sooner than they should have… this is what happens. When they fail and then you see on the news that abortion is legal, and that some woman once again delivered a drug-dependent baby, this is what happens.
We lose our minds. We get sad. Sometimes we’re not strong. Sometimes we don’t have hope. Sometimes we just hurt.
Since Monday night, I have been all of the above.
Tomorrow might be better.
Today I am just going to lay in the floor, listen to Bon Iver while attempting to work, and be sad.