I’m going to warn you up front that this blog post isn’t going to be pretty. It is going to be raw truth and emotional, but I have to get this out. If you came here expecting me to say that everything is going to be okay and that I have faith that I’ll be pregnant this year, then this is the wrong post for you today… and I won’t be offended if you skip this one. Infertility is hard and sometimes we just have to be honest.
If you’re following on Facebook or Instagram, you may have seen this post on Monday:
After my blog post Monday, I was shocked to once again have the rug pulled out from under me before making it to beta day. I thought for sure that supplementing with progesterone would at least get me to 14dpIUI. Surely. Everyone says “you shouldn’t get a period while taking progesterone supplements.” Why do I always have to be the exception?
So many people tell me that they are inspired by my strength, but to be perfectly honest with you, I’m not strong. I’m incredibly weak and vulnerable, and I have plenty of doubts when it comes to whether or not we’ll ever be able to grow our family. I try to be strong… but I’m just being perfectly honest with myself and with you right now. Maybe this is just the infertility talking, but I’m human… I’m an emotional creature and this is how I feel right now. Completely broken.
This doesn’t mean that I doubt who God is, because I know that He can heal all and can perform miracles beyond our comprehension, and I know His timing is perfect. But honestly, right now, I find myself crying out to Him “WHY?! Just tell me WHY!”
My sweet Zoey, who is about to turn 6 years old in March, is not only praying for a baby at bedtime, but now she is praying for it at dinner. Twice a day, she prays “God, please oh please send us a baby.” My heart can’t take it. It just hurts way too much. To see her want this so badly, too… and to know it may never happen, because that is the reality. It may never happen. The mere thought of having to explain to her in further detail why… I just can’t.
I think I have officially reached the lowest point of the last four years. I knew moving on to injectables + IUI would be a whole different ballgame, but this has been the most emotionally challenging part of this whole infertility journey and I don’t know how to handle it. As each cycle fails, it shatters me. I cry out to God for help and can’t understand why the answer is always “not yet, my child. It’s not time.”
I don’t understand why innocent babies are being aborted every day and it’s freaking LEGAL. And please don’t try to explain to me why you support it – this is NOT the place for that and I don’t care what the excuse is, it’s disgusting and I don’t support it. Period. I don’t understand why mothers who abandon their babies, or continuously birth them by different daddies into abusive homes, or deliver drug-dependent babies are chosen for this gift of motherhood. I just don’t understand and I never will. I’m not perfect by any means, but dare I say it, I’m a better mother than those people. I know I am and know I will be, so why is it so easy for them and so hard for me?
I know this is probably the darkest post I’ve ever written… I’m sorry, but I’m not sorry. I never said this blog would always be uplifting and whimsical. THIS IS INFERTILITY. This is what it does to the joyful friend of yours, and if you’re wondering “what happened to her?” THIS. This is what happens. When you invest your time, finances, health, hopes into infertility treatments and they fail… not just fail, but fail sooner than they should have… this is what happens. When they fail and then you see on the news that abortion is legal, and that some woman once again delivered a drug-dependent baby, this is what happens.
We lose our minds. We get sad. Sometimes we’re not strong. Sometimes we don’t have hope. Sometimes we just hurt.
Since Monday night, I have been all of the above.
Tomorrow might be better.
But today?
Today I am just going to lay in the floor, listen to Bon Iver while attempting to work, and be sad.
You deserve to react however you want and you don’t need to apologize for it. Let yourself go through this emotions, and then you will be able to pick yourself back up because you felt it all and you made it to another day. Big hugs and strength coming your way.
Thank you so much, Chelsea. I feel like such a hot mess. I started injects again last night and did it without hope… Not good. Normally I start with excitement and ready to tackle a new cycle. Hopefully the coming days will be better.
I’m so sorry. And don’t apologise, you are allowed to feel all the feelings. The hardest thing for me is also to have to accept that it might actually never happen, and that despite that we will still be ok. Sending you internet hugs xx
Thank you, Lindie!
Im so sorry Jessi. Don’t apologize for how you feel. It isn’t fair that people who shouldnt have babies do–at the drop of a hat, no less. You’ll find your footing again, but give yourself plenty of grace to grieve the loss of this cycle. ((hugs))
Thank you, Ryanne! It is amazing how much better I already feel after releasing this… I wrote this in complete tears, in the middle of a breakdown. I’m so glad I just went ahead and let it go live. I almost deleted it…
Its hard I know but it will get better. infertility is awful and you have every right to feel how you feel. I have felt everything you wrote about and then some. It’s a roller coaster of emotions and it’s OK to have really bad days but just try not to stay there. I’m getting ready for my 3rd IVF cycle and it never gets easier. You and your family are always in my prayers. ????
Thank you, Jamie! Good luck on your upcoming IVF!
You need to take the time to be sad and grieve the stage you may have left. I think I needed more time to grieve our failed IVF and didn’t take it, so several weeks later it sort of hit me right during the holidays. Do what you need to do to get over this hump and don’t let anyone tell you differently. I will be praying and thinking of you. Please reach out to me if you ever want to chat!
Thank you, Ashley! It is amazing how much better I am already feeling… between everyone’s prayers, comments, and just the release of this post… I am starting to feel better already. <3
This is where I was at… it hurts so badly and reading it coming from another women makes it hurt again. It isn’t fair, but at this point you know life isn’t fair. I can’t stand when I hear that a woman got pregnant by accident, we could have purchased a second home with the money we have put into all the operations ad fertility treatments but a girl who skips one pill is blessed with a child. I don’t understand Gods choices. Every time a see an abandoned child on the news or hear about an abortion it physically hurts me, my heart aches and my empty womb feels like it’s being stabbed. After over 2 year of fertility treatments were were finally blessed with twin girls via an injectable IUI cycle only to lose them at 18.5 weeks due to my incompetent cervix. After several more operations we tried injectable IUI’ s again and every failed cycle felt like a miscarriage because you have been tracking those follicles and know there was an egg that didn’t turn into a baby. I reached a point where I could no long mentally or physically handle the fertility treatments. And after a lot of soul searching we have decided adoption will be our route to parenthood. I will never be a women that gets pregnant by accident because I have PCOS and don’t ovulate on my own, I will never know the joy of using a home pregnancy test and getting a positive result, without a dreaded TTW and injections coming before it . Stay on the floor today, cry all you need to. You are not alone and I wish you the best, whatever your future holds.
Oh, Sara. My heart hurts for you and the loss of your twins… that story is too common I am finding. If you don’t follow yet, you should check out DianaWrote.com. She also lost twins – two boys – around the same gestation as you. Her journey has been catastrophic… after the twins she suffered the loss of a three-week-old son. But to read her blog now and see that she finally has another live baby, a daughter, it gives me SO much hope. I’m going to follow your adoption journey!
Infertility is awful, painful, lonely, depressing. Each month brings so much hope and each period brings so much disappointment. I am struggling with secondary infertility too. We are currently doing medicated cycles with IUI’s. It was hard enough month after month, year after year to not conceive but now to add the expenses, time and energy I feel like the two week wait is harder and the seemingly inevitable period is so much more devastating. It is so nice to read thoughts like yours to know we are not alone. I feel all the same feelings and think all the same thoughts. No shame! Thank you for your honesty!!
You’re welcome! I feel so much better now that I released the beast, haha. I usually keep this sort of thing to myself… Glad I was honest!
Oh Jessi I’m so sorry to hear about this. My heart breaks for you. I too have thrown myself in the floor sobbing in prayer asking God “why?” None of this is fair, and all of it hurts so bad. Absolutely no apologies necessary for being honest. I will say that out of my multiple IUI cycles last year, on two of them I had progesterone supplements for luteal support, whereas on four of the cycles I had a second HGC trigger shot. The only cycles I made it to 14dpiui without starting my period were with the second HCG shot. Perhaps something your doctor would consider?
We are actually discussing doing a booster trigger. My doctor is researching the effectiveness, but I think we are going to try it. You are not the first one to mention this, especially with inject meds. There is something weird with the injects and the luteal phase for sure…
I love you so much, friend…
Love you, too! I am so thankful for you!
I’m just now catching up on your blog, and I must say, I am so sorry that I am just now reading it. That was a very hard day for you, and I could feel the sadness and pain through every word. It is raw hurt that everyone dealing with it needs to release and have validated! I hope today is better and tomorrow will be even greater. We really need to get together soon. Now, back to catching up on your other entries.
Thank you, Lindsey! It was a HARD day, and I am so glad I’m past it…
So much of this post I nodded my head in agreement while reading. I find myself coming to your blog more and more.for comfort and knowledge. I think that’s the only thing that sometimes keeps me calm…Learning and educating myself on what I can do and what’s to come. Thanks again for this.
You’re welcome! I’m sorry you can relate though. I hate that so many women struggle with this very thing, but I am glad that we can come together and mourn when we need to, and lift each other up when we need to. <3
I just went through this, it is devastating, unfair, and sad. I am mad, hopeless, frustrated many emotions that i dont even know what to do. I had 2 IUI and 1 IVF that failed. My heart is broken. And don’t ever apologize for what you think because i am one that think and believe exactly as youbsaid in your post.
Sandra, I’m so sorry you are going through this right now. The emotions behind these treatments are a whirlwind for sure. Hang in there, sister! There isn’t a rainbow without a storm.
Your post really hit home for me, thank you. I have been on this path and feeling so down and upset. At times almost skin crawling with frustration because I haven’t conceived.
Hi Chelsea, I’m so sorry. 🙁 It is so hard. Just know you aren’t alone and if you need to vent or chat, I’m here.