What a roller coaster this cycle has been.
- 6 estrogen labs.
- 5 ultrasounds.
- 21 Follistim injections.
- 1,575 IU injected.
- 3 leading follicles disappeared.
- 10mm lining shrunk to 4mm.
If you remember on CD20, I joked in my post that I half expected to go into the ultrasound to be told my lining had evaporated. I was so happy to hear it actually grew to 10mm on that day. I carried around so much hope that something good was about to go down.
Then yesterday happened.
Seeing my lining go from 10 to 4 was devastating, to say the least. The first thing I thought was “Where did my lining go? It doesn’t just evaporate!” I stewed over this all day. It never occurred to me that maybe it had already detached from my uterine wall and descended towards my cervix for a new cycle to start…
Really, the biggest letdown here is the fact that I had 3 follicles that were growing, albeit slowly, and all three of them are gone. All gone. My ovaries look like classic polycystic ovaries right now. Several cysts are septated, meaning they are connected. All of the pressure and sharp pains I felt recently were actually nothing more than small cysts giving me a hard time. I thought this was growing pains.
I did not expect this.
I expected to over-respond to Follistim, if anything. I expected to get an IUI before Thanksgiving. I expected to be entering into the two-week-wait right now. I expected to be testing the trigger shot out of my system right now, giddy over each passing day. I expected something good to happen.
I did not expect this. I did not see this coming.
I sat in the parking lot after my ultrasound yesterday and just wept. I’m talking ugly crying, sobbing, completely broken. All while my boobs were killing me and my right ovary throbbing. I was convinced these were good symptoms – they had to be. Otherwise, what was the point?
By dinner time yesterday, I was spotting. Ah, so the plot thickens. I found out that my estrogen had tanked to 66. My progesterone level was less than 2. This confirms I never ovulated (duh) and that my period is on the way. Prior to the spotting starting, I was originally told to increase my Follistim dose and keep injecting, but I think the spotting throws a wrench in things.
I don’t know what the weekend holds, but I’m expecting my period and to start a new cycle with 100-125 IU of Follistim, whichever my doctor decides to go with. The good news? I won’t have to wait to start a new cycle. Even though today is only CD24 and I should not be expecting my period so soon, at least I won’t have to wait in agony to start again. We’re just kinda sorta… moving forward.
Although, at this point I don’t know which is worse. You should see the epic bruise on my belly.
A dear friend shared this Lysa TerKeurst Facebook post with me yesterday and it was so timely. I wanted to share it with you, because this right here defines my prayer.
Thank You for using all things for my good, even disappointment. Help me to look at my disappointments with fresh eyes today, discovering gifts where I am tempted to only see heartache. And show me how I can love and serve others with passion and purpose — right where I am.
In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
Pray this with me and for me, friends. I need it.