In 5 months, I will be down in sunny Florida at Disney World, watching my five-year-old squeal in delight as she dines with her favorite princesses, dresses up in costumes to party with Mickey Mouse, and inhales her very first Dole whip. I’m so looking forward to this trip like nobody’s business. My inner child will unleash like a beast!
But it also means that in 5 months, I’ll [hopefully] be in my last cycle before we start the next level of fertility treatment, which will look like some kind of injectible medicine (likely Follistim) and an IUI.
Can I be completely honest for a moment?
Once we’re back from Disney, the plan is to jump right into treatment, which means come December, I could have an announcement to make. To get myself prepared, I went to my primary care doctor over the weekend for a physical and I have some labs getting drawn this morning to look at my hormones and all of the basics that normally come with a physical. It’s the full biometric profile along with the PCOS labs and a couple of extra thyroid checks for good measure. This way, I’ll know if there is anything underlying I need to address before we pursue injectables. Once those are back, off the OB I go for “the talk”.
I’m trying to stay positive, but this is why I’m terrified:
I hate injections.
The mere thought of having to inject myself into my stomach every day with a medication to help me ovulate makes me want to vomit. Literally, the mere thought. I’m not sure I’m going to be able to do this. I’ve had injections before when I received trigger shots, but I never ever injected myself. I was too sissy. I made someone with a medical degree do it.
What if it doesn’t work?
I’m afraid that all of this effort will be put in and money spent for nothing. I’m afraid that I won’t have any good follicles, that my lining won’t thicken up, and that I’ll have that dreaded ultrasound where the tech says “I’m sorry, but you didn’t respond this month.” Although, someone please educate me, but with injectables you can just inject longer if you don’t respond, right? As in, increase the dose on the dial and just keep going?
What if we do the injections, and then the IUI has to be canceled?
I’ve been in the seat before where we canceled an IUI due to poor response to Clomid, but what if I have a good response to the injections and then have to cancel the IUI due to a poor “sample”. I know that’s the point of the IUI, to separate the bad swimmers from the good, but still… what if all of the bad have taken over and destroyed any ounce of good?
How do I deal emotionally?
I’m afraid that I’m going to set myself up for failure with all of the pep talks and positive thoughts. I’m afraid I’m going to come crashing down like I have so many times in the past. I’m not sure if it’s best to stay positive and tell myself this WILL work and that I WILL be pregnant for Christmas… or if it’s safer to assume the worst so I can accept it better if it fails. I really don’t know. I do know I have God on my side, and if I fall, He’ll be there to pick me back up.
These are just a few thoughts running through my head as I try to wrap my brain around what is to come later this year. My appointment with my primary doctor for the physical was good, but I did hear the dreaded “I wouldn’t wait too long before pursuing more treatment. Three years is long enough, and unfortunately you’re running out of time.” Bless her, she said this in the kindest way possible… but she’s right. I’m running out of time. I’m only 30, but due to my ovarian failure, menopause could be right around the corner for me. And when that happens, it’s too late. My time will be up.
In other news, Zoey insists that we’re going to be a three-kid family, and said to me “Momma, we need to pray for 2 more kids. I’m going to pray for it, but you have pray, too.”