I mean, wow.
This time last year, I was convinced we’d have a new baby in our lives by now. I was convinced that I had waited long enough – that two years was just long enough, and that 2014 would be our year.
I’m not shocked in the last bit that I was wrong as we are quickly approaching three years of waiting.
Tomorrow starts a new year. My barren womb is still barren. I will never, ever allow Clomid to enter my body again.
I’m officially out of “oral medication” options. There isn’t anything left for me to pop in pill form that is medicinal for ovulation.
So this means exactly what you think it means: we have to move on to Follistim if we want to conceive. Or something similar anyway, whether that means Gonal-F, or whatever else is out there.
It also means a whole new level of financial commitment that frankly, I’m not wanting to do right now. We want to take Zoey to Disney World in October. The cost of one cycle with injects, IUI, ultrasounds, appointments would cost the same as a trip to Disney World.
Let’s just all sit for a moment and wrap our brains around that… just for a moment.
I’m taking a break.
Zoey turns 5 in March. I have a birthday party to plan, camping trips to schedule, and a trip to Disney to book. I’m tired of stopping everything for infertility. I’ll be scheduling an appointment with my OB in March or so to discuss next steps for TTC, as she has been hoping for me to move onto Follistim for over a year now. We might start that new adventure in the summer, hoping that I’ll be pregnant during our trip to Disney. But until we meet, I’ll just focus on taking vitamins and supplements, hoping I can at least somewhat have normal cycles, not allowing myself to hope for pregnancy.
I feel like that ship has sailed.
And as each new “oops, we weren’t even trying!” pregnancy announcement pops up Facebook… and each new “it took us 4 long MONTHS to conceive” post hits my timeline… or the dreaded “I support a woman’s right to abortion” post taunts me from my newsfeed… I die a little inside.
What hurts worse: Zoey. She’s begging still… begging for a sibling. Asking daily, “Momma, why hasn’t God put a baby in your belly yet?” “Momma, can I please have a sister? Can I pray for one?” “Momma, God is done making my sister, He just has to send her down here.”
Every day, ya’ll. Every. Day.
Infertility hurts more than just me and my husband… it hurts her, too. That makes this journey even harder. I have to be strong for her. I have to convince her that it’s just not the right time yet, when I haven’t even accepted that for myself. She’s an inquisitive little girl, loaded with questions of “why?” about everything. I cherish her greatly, but it pains me that I can’t give her a sibling. She would be such a wonderful big sister… and I can’t do it.
Clearly, I’m having a day of feeling down.
I’ve just been getting hit a lot with questions from her and from people who should know better and feel it’s appropriate to ask the wrong questions. Or make the wrong comments. It’s to the point where certain people’s mere presence makes me sick and I avoid talking to them all together because I know they will ask “why we haven’t moved onto adoption yet”, or say “it’s just not the right time”.
Not what someone suffering with infertility needs to hear… we know it’s clearly not the right time. It doesn’t make the pain any easier to deal with.
*stepping off soap box*
Happy new year, friends. This time last year, I was making big plans to transfer the blog from a WordPress hosted site to self-hosted, buying my own domain name, and working with Jumping Jax Designs to get this thing looking pretty. Now here we are! I’m newly on Twitter (barely) and opening a Facebook page in January. Say what?!
This has certainly been a whirlwind year, and I think 2015 will be no different. However, all that to say, I am incredibly thankful to have this platform… to have this place to express real feelings and real life experiences, a place to share my miracle of a daughter, a place to connect with other women who are suffering with PCOS + infertility and need someone who just plain understands. Trying to turn a negative into a positive here. 😉
I hope you all have a wonderful New Years Eve tonight and ring in the new year with a renewed sense of hope. I’ll be working on that myself.
Lots of love,