Begging God for a Sibling

Zoey is officially to the point of begging.

Recently, we caught her looking out the window of the car saying: “God, can I please please have a sister? Please? I reeeally want one.”

I’m not exaggerating when I say that she is asking for one every. single. day. She tells people about her sister… what she looks like… she has dreams of this “sister”… DREAMS. And she tells everyone about it!

I don’t know what to do.

We’ve been trying to give her the “Big Sister” title for 28 months now and it’s getting nowhere.

This weekend, we took some time to clean out the spare room. The room that is supposed to be a nursery right now. Instead, it’s in an identity crisis – part office, part guest room, part nursery, complete with desk, futon, and a changing table cabinet filled with 4 days worth of newborn and one-size cloth diapers. A complete stash, just sitting there. Waiting. I went through bottles, pacifiers, sippy cups, pumping supplies… everything. Reorganizing, throwing stuff away, setting some aside for a yard sale… it’s something we had to do, but I didn’t enjoy it. We’re supposed to be cleaning out that room for a baby. But we’re not. And as I went through all that baby stuff, I couldn’t help but wonder how much of it I was hoarding and how much of it I truly needed to keep.

Yesterday was an extra painful day, too. My left ovary is being a punk, throbbing consistently, sending sharp shooting pains downward with each step I take. As if I needed another reminder than I’m a woman – a broken woman – my lefty is just a jerk. A mean old jerk who thinks she’s 40 when I’m creeping up on 30. Some days are easier than others for my ovaries. Yesterday was just a bad day.

I do believe God has a plan in all this… that I’m where I’m at in my life because it is what is meant to be. I don’t like it, but it is what it is. Zoey is begging for a sister… I’m just begging for her to even get to be one. Begging God for this simple, precious gift. Maybe Zoey needs to be alone right now… maybe we just need to be able to focus on her.

Maybe I shouldn’t focus on the why.

Maybe.

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Comments

  1. 3

    Devon says

    Hugs from another waiter. Been almost 4 years of trying for us with one miscarriage and no other BFPs. God does have a plan…oh that we, young and not so young, may have the patience to wait for His plan to unfold… <3

    • 4

      Jessi says

      I will be praying for you, Devon! I’m sorry about your miscarriage. You are definitely not alone in this journey.

  2. 5

    Katrina says

    Unfortunately I can sympathize with you, and sometimes I think it would be easier if we at least knew why. We have been trying for #2 for 12 months now, our daughter is nearly 3. Every day she asks for a sister or brother (this changes daily!). After my miscarriage last month she asked me why I didn’t want to keep the baby, which broke my heart. Even now she’ll come up to me out of no where and give me a hug saying ‘this is for your baby mummy’. What I wouldn’t give to make her a big sister. I’m even having laproscopic surgery this week on my 32nd birthday for removal of endometriosis to try and make it happen. I hope and pray your daughter gets to be a big sister one day!

    • 6

      Jessi says

      Good luck with your surgery! I have heard that a lot of women get pregnant within 3 months of having it, so I hope it gives you the boost you need. :) SO sorry about your loss… ugh.

  3. 7

    LINDA C says

    I have an 18 month old and this kid is not even talking. But when I see how excited she get when she’s around other children and how gentle and loving she is to babies, it worries that I wouldn’t be able to give her that “Big Sister” tittle. I’m reading your post as I’m on my way to my clinic to do an Embryo transfer. And I’m scared. Financially we are reaching our limit, I cashed out my retirement. Plus after today I have only one more embryo left and it would be our last try.

    I can relate (somewhat) because I know eventually she will ask to be a big a sister, if this is not successful.
    Will be praying for both of us and hope we can make our daughters big sisters one day. :).

    ((((HUGS)))

  4. 9

    says

    I’ve always said that the innocent prayers of children seem to reach the throne of God with the speed of light… He hears her (and you… and me praying for you)… You know I’m pulling for you!!! And I can’t wait to see our miracle babies in fluffy cloth butts!!! :)

    • 10

      Jessi says

      Lately she has been saying, “Momma, I see my sister in the sky! She is growing up!” I told her I sure hope she is right…

Trackbacks

  1. […] And here I am, begging for my second chance. I recognize this. It doesn’t make it easier. As Zoey asks every day for a sister, it gets harder and harder. This isn’t just me or my husband is affects… it’s […]

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