Zoey is officially to the point of begging.
Recently, we caught her looking out the window of the car saying: “God, can I please please have a sister? Please? I reeeally want one.”
I’m not exaggerating when I say that she is asking for one every. single. day. She tells people about her sister… what she looks like… she has dreams of this “sister”… DREAMS. And she tells everyone about it!
I don’t know what to do.
We’ve been trying to give her the “Big Sister” title for 28 months now and it’s getting nowhere.
This weekend, we took some time to clean out the spare room. The room that is supposed to be a nursery right now. Instead, it’s in an identity crisis – part office, part guest room, part nursery, complete with desk, futon, and a changing table cabinet filled with 4 days worth of newborn and one-size cloth diapers. A complete stash, just sitting there. Waiting. I went through bottles, pacifiers, sippy cups, pumping supplies… everything. Reorganizing, throwing stuff away, setting some aside for a yard sale… it’s something we had to do, but I didn’t enjoy it. We’re supposed to be cleaning out that room for a baby. But we’re not. And as I went through all that baby stuff, I couldn’t help but wonder how much of it I was hoarding and how much of it I truly needed to keep.
Yesterday was an extra painful day, too. My left ovary is being a punk, throbbing consistently, sending sharp shooting pains downward with each step I take. As if I needed another reminder than I’m a woman – a broken woman – my lefty is just a jerk. A mean old jerk who thinks she’s 40 when I’m creeping up on 30. Some days are easier than others for my ovaries. Yesterday was just a bad day.
I do believe God has a plan in all this… that I’m where I’m at in my life because it is what is meant to be. I don’t like it, but it is what it is. Zoey is begging for a sister… I’m just begging for her to even get to be one. Begging God for this simple, precious gift. Maybe Zoey needs to be alone right now… maybe we just need to be able to focus on her.
Maybe I shouldn’t focus on the why.