I shared in my She Wants a Sister post about how Zoey asked her daddy if she could have one. Well, since then, she’s been focused big time on wanting a sister, and she’s making it very clear to me that she wants one now. Right now.
We had a conversation the other day that went like this:
Zoey: “Mommy, can I have a sister?”
Me: “Baby, that’s not up to me.”
Zoey: “Why?”
Me: “Because it’s just not. It’s up to God.”
Zoey: “But I want one.”
Me: “Well, then pray for Him to send us one, because it’s entirely up to Him. Mommy’s done all she can.”
Zoey: “Okay. I really want a sister.”
Me: “I know, baby. But honestly, you might need to just get used to the idea of being an only child. It might just be the three of us.”
Zoey: “Okay.”
Heartbreaking, right? I hate having this talk with her, but I have to be real with her. For the past two years, she’s joined me in praying for another baby to be sent our way, so she knows this is something we’ve been anticipating for a long time. As she gets older and more knowledgeable of the world around her, she’s starting to understand that she’s not the only one who can’t just have whatever she wants… neither can adults. In my praying lately, I’m starting to shift the way I pray about infertility. Instead of asking God for a baby for me, I’m asking Him (no, begging) to just spare her infertility… to make her fertile enough to have as many children as her heart desires, whether it’s just one or seven… just spare her this pain and give her wisdom to want to wait beyond teenage years to even get pregnant (oh dear Lord, PLEASE). Spare her ovaries of the pain of PCOS and cyst rupture, spare her uterus from endometriosis and fibroids, spare her. If I can’t have more babies of my own, please bless us with lots of grandchildren through her…
That is my new prayer.
Right now, she wants a sister. I’m starting to accept that probably won’t ever happen. It’s a daily battle between absolute peace and immense heartache. All I can do is take it one day at a time. My ovaries go from being really calm for weeks, to causing a lot of pain and discomfort for days at a time.
How do you explain PCOS to a 4-year-old child?
I have already started praying that same prayer for Bonnie… And I will be praying for Zoey now too!
Thanks, Logan! I’m trying more and more to turn my prayers away from myself and onto her. I am desperate for her to be able to conceive.
Do you still take Pregnitude? I saw your earlier post on it and wanted to know how it went with your cycles?
Not currently, I’m only taking royal jelly, L-arginine and maca powder and so far the combination is making me ovulate and have perfect 30-day cycles, so that’s great!
That must be so hard – I am grateful that my pregnancy loss happened before my daughter was old enough to understand. But I think you’re doing the right thing letting her know that it’s something in God’s hands not our own.
Aww thank you so much for that encouragement. 🙂 I’m so sorry about your loss though. 🙁