This is how I feel, if I can be completely transparent for a moment.
I feel like I am a complete failure as a woman.
My follicle ultrasound was yesterday. Follicles looked good. I had two good ones, a 16 and a 25. My uterine lining? 5.
Yep. 5. The Clomid won this battle.
We canceled the IUI that was scheduled for today.
I feel like a complete failure, not going to lie. For now, I am done TTC for a few months. I need a break. I need to let this Clomid clear my system, then we’ll come back to it and add Dexamethasone (Dex) to the medicinal mix. I feel like it’s my fault. I wasn’t as diligent about the red raspberry leaf tea or my pomegranate juice because frankly, there is just too much going on right now. I never missed a dose of vitamin E, but I wasn’t as consistent with my tea or juice. I think this higher level of Clomid was just too much for my uterus to handle. We know I don’t respond to estrogen supplements or baby aspirin, so I feel really lost, bitter, angry, hurt, like a failure.
I’m going to take a few months off and then we’ll hop back into the game with adding Dex. I’m not charting, not tracking anything, I have no idea when (or if) I’ll have a new cycle start. We didn’t trigger so I don’t know if the follicles will cyst over or if my body will have enough sense to ovulate. I really don’t know right now.
I’m sad. So incredibly sad.
I can feel God moving in my life as much today as he does every day. I know in Him I’m not a failure, even if my human mind tells me so. Today, I feel like a complete failure. Tomorrow I could wake up and feel different. Maybe I just need a good cry.
In the meantime, there is another big change possibly coming that I am praying about and waiting on an answer for. Sorry that’s so cryptic, but I can’t say anything yet. I don’t believe in jinxing things, I just need to wait until this is solid. Hopefully soon I’ll finally have some sort of good news to share. Soon as in the next few weeks (again, sorry).
For now, please pray for me, and send happy thoughts and encouragement because I could sure use it.