This has been weighing on me so heavily lately. I am extremely grateful for certain friends (especially one in particular who I will refer to as J. Lo) who remind me that I’m meant to be a mother to more than one child. To be perfectly honest with all of you, I sometimes wonder if Zoey will be an only child.
Not that there is anything wrong with only children. They are lovely people, too.
But the thing is, I want her to be a big sister. I think she will be good at it. Right now, she loves (no, really, LOVES) babies. She keeps talking about her “sister”, which she clearly doesn’t have, and I think it’s because all her friends at school have siblings. I honestly think she is the only one in her class without a sibling.
Well, maybe not the only one… maybe one of two… but still.
It’s not like I think her life won’t be complete if she’s an only child. I really don’t think that at all. But I do think she will miss out on something pretty special if she’s an only child. She is definitely big sister material. She’s at a great age right now, always wanting to help around the house, always trying to mother her little friends. She carries around her baby dolls and changes their cloth diapers, feeds them and pushes them around in their strollers (yes, plural, she has two). Sometimes it just hurts to watch her play like a big sister.
It hurts a lot.
She’s a great kid. I am so thankful for her. I’m thankful that we survived a crazy pregnancy together, thankful that she is a joyful child, thankful that she is here when clearly the odds are against me with PCOS.
Gah. Why is this so hard?
I’m just thinking out loud… er… you know what I mean. As each month passes, this hangs over my head.
And please, don’t ask me why don’t I just adopt. To be frank, anyone who says that to someone with infertility clearly doesn’t get it. Adoption is its own crazy journey and is HARD. You don’t just adopt. It’s years in the works, too. Years of rejection and pain. It’s a separate calling. Someday we hope to do that, but we’re not called to right now. Trust me, ask someone who has gone through adoption before… they were called and it was HARD.
Please don’t go there.